I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Randomize
