my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
