just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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