Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
