quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
