My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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