mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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