I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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