I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
