I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
