she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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