i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
