Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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