Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Randomize
