Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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