I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I didn't notice because vodka
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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