I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
