Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
