I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
