two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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