I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
