Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
