Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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