I cannot find my penis.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I believe in your delicious
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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