I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
