I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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