THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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