Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
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