one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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