Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I don't deserve a penis
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
