I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize