ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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