What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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