WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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