I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
