I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
