idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
