So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
