i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
