Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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