My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
