Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
