Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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