he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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