Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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