you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
