I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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