i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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