I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
