the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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