Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
