I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
