You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Threesome in a minivan. New low
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
