Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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